Create your Destiny

Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young.

Henry Ford

There is no better way to stay fit than to exercise, and “use it or lose it” is a reality that refers equally to body and mind. If you desire to think sharper, react quicker, and make better decisions you will have to keep exercising your mind to maintain it in good working order. Overall, this means spending less time engaged in passive activities and more time spent doing things that will stimulate the brain.

Some of the biggest time gobbling passive mind activities are pretty well known, such as spending too much time in front of the television, waiting for that guy in Nigeria with $8 million to bequeath to send you another email, or hoping your significant other will properly hang the roll of toilet paper the right way this time. Other more innocuous mind wasters include reflecting negatively upon your past, aimlessly surfing the net, and listening to political speeches in an election year. Actually that last one isn’t as bad as what usually follows, which is 3 or more talking heads explaining to us what the candidate who just spoke had to say. Have we really dumbed down that much as a society that we need to be told what the man in the suit just said, or are we simply too lazy to make the effort to interpret the obvious all by ourselves?

In keeping with Mr. Ford’s admonition, I’ve made a list of some of the tangible benefits of putting your mind to work on learning new things:

You may find something new to become passionate about:  Passion is a key to life, and discovering additional ways to uncork it can serve to juice up other, less inspired areas of your life.

Learning new things can make you more interesting.   Think the girls at the party still want to hear about your Dungeons and Dragons exploits; or that speaking in Klingon is somehow considered sexy? If you’re repertoire is old and stale, learning new things can help make your more social and enhance your appeal to others.

Learning keeps you alert.  You can’t run on autopilot when trying to master a new skill or venturing off into the unfamiliar. Breaking with routine to undertake new tasks instantly wakes up dormant areas of the brain that can be useful far beyond the task at hand.

Use it or lose it.  Your brain is a muscle like any other. It will atrophy without use.

So, if I’ve convinced you of the benefits of lifelong learning, what are some examples of the types of activities you should seek to incorporate? A exhaustive list would be endless, though to get your mind jump started I have included a few rather simple ideas you may want to consider. The key is to pick out activities that you are not currently doing so that you can stimulate your mind in unfamiliar ways.   You can:

1. Study a new language
2. Read a book
3. Take up a musical instrument
4. Start a blog
5. Play word games or puzzles
6. Play Sudoku
7. Choose to become more observant of the world around you
8. Write poetry
9. Take up dancing lessons
10. Travel to new places
12. Do things with your non-dominant hand
13. Try adopting the opposite point of view you normally take in arguments
14. Study martial arts
15. Paint, sculpt, or draw
16. Take a road trip
17. Go hiking in nature
18. Start a journal
19. Try a yoga class
20. Attend a live sporting event that you don’t know anything about.

As I said, there is really no end to a list like this. By simply making a commitment to exercise your mind and continuing to expose yourself to new ideas and concepts, you may be able to delay or even ward off the effects of the aging process on your brain. Your mental reaction time will improve, your focus will be sharper, you will become more interesting, life will begin to seem more vibrant, and you may even give up the urge to watch old Star Trek reruns or to hang the toilet paper backwards.

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Something that fascinates me is how we go about translating our experiences from the events that take place to the words we use to express these experiences linguistically and code them in our minds. Sounds like a simple thing at first glance, doesn’t it?  I saw a red ball, so I tell somebody “hey, I saw a red ball”. Quite often this works fine and nothing more needs to be said about it. It is when this process goes astray that people can experience challenges in living the types of lives they desire.

One of the best things about doing change work with coaching clients is being able to witness people going from internal states of frustration and feeling “stuck” because they perceive there to be little or no satisfactory choices available, to helping them decode their representations of experiences so that they perceive a greater array of choices and therefore a greater ability to impact their world and make their dreams a reality.

Language is the means by which we code our experience, both to ourselves and to others. An awareness of how and why transformations occur between actual experience and the labels we place upon our experiences is one of the most important skills required of people involved in change work.

Ways we Filter our Experiences

When something happens, we filter it through our 5 senses. The data we process is necessarily incomplete, but the process works well when we select data that is optimal for the task at hand. Remember the last time you had a conversation in a crowded room? Your ears were able to perceive a variety of sounds, yet the ones you chose to focus on and record in memory were probably those of the person you were most interested in listening to. A primary step in filtering reality is the decision we make of what we choose to record through our senses. Actually this is the second step, since we only perceive through our senses a very narrow band of what takes place in our environment. Don’t believe me? Consider a dog whistle or radio waves. Dogs can hear the whistle but you can’t, and your radio can pick up signals broadcast over the airwaves that you can’t perceive but are most definitely out there. Oh, and there’s also gamma rays, ultraviolet rays, the Cubs winning the World Series, and all those dust mites living on your pillow…(yecch, I’ll stop now)

Anyhow, buy the time information reaches our brains, our neurology has filtered it to the extent that we are able to perceive it. We then we filter that information through our past experiences and our opinions in order to make quick and efficient decisions. We then attach meaning to new events through the language we choose to describe them, both to ourselves and to others.

Labeling Limits Choice

If we are afraid of snakes and see one in the yard, we may label the experience as “I saw this really big, ugly snake!”. That sentence was not the reality of what happened but rather the label we chose to apply to it. From there we then may go on to formulate an opinion that “all snakes are dangerous”, and depending on the intensity of the experience we might even come to the assumption that “backyards are dangerous”. We have gone from the reality of there being a snake in our yard to the assumption that all backyards are dangerous.

As we begin to believe statements like these, our choice of available options become limited (we can’t go out in our backyard) and our representation of reality becomes skewed from how it actually is. The snake may have been harmful or not - more information was needed before deciding never to venture out into the backyard again. Yet the language we used to code the experience results in self limiting the amount of choices we have and can reduce the amount of enjoyment we get out of life (no more backyard barbecues).

When people limit their choices due to how they represent experience (consciously or otherwise), they can experience frustration in living the type of life they desire or in achieving the types of goals they would like to achieve. Some other choice limiting statements that I’ve heard are:

People don’t like me.
I regret my decision
I don’t know how to impress people
Conflict is painful
She never listens
Changing is difficult

Decoding the Process

A very interesting part of what I get to do is that I help people step backwards through this process from labels of experience to the actual experiences themselves. Often, as they begin to decode how they’ve labeled their environment they begin to see other options and choices available - choices that they had missed because their labels of experience had kept them from being aware of them. From these new choices spring fresh opportunities for them to experience the types of lives that they desire.

When Coaching can Help

If you reach a point in life where you find yourself unable to achieve an important goal, nurture your relationships or overcome self limiting beliefs, you may want to consider working with a professional coach who has a background in linguistics. There are a number of good coaches, myself included, who are trained in NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) and who possess the knowledge and tools required to assist you. The key part is selecting a coach with whom you can relate well and who has the skills required to help you get where you want to go in life. If you ever find yourself in such a situation, you can check out my coaching programs for ideas regarding how I may be able to help.

Words are indeed powerful, and if the Cubs ever do win a Word Series I’m probably going to hear a few choice ones from the fans of those “lovable losers”. Its the 4th of July holiday here in the states, so I’m heading out to my backyard (to hell with the snakes), to enjoy a wonderful barbecue and then downtown for some fireworks. Happy 4th everyone!

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Since you are reading this blog I’m going to assume that you have at least a passing interest in personal development. I’m also willing to bet that you’re probably more considerate and respectful than the average Joe when it comes to your relationships. How am I doing so far?  Am I an intuitive genius or what?  In fact, I’ll even go out on a limb and make the assumption that you have a life filled with people you love and care about. Now if I’ve got you all wrong and you’re nothing but a lowdown piece of crud, click here.

All kidding aside, a real trap that well meaning people can fall into if not careful is that of consistently putting themselves last. I’m not talking about little things like holding the door open for someone or being nice to people in general. What I’m saying is that neglecting your needs and priorities on a habitual basis to cater to the needs of others means that you sacrifice your personal growth, put your own dreams on hold, and eventually begin to lose your unique sense of identity. Think about it. If your life is defined by everyone’s needs but your own, how do you define who you are outside of the context of anybody else? When you are all alone, who are you? If you’ve dedicated the bulk of your existence to serving others, you might find this to be a very difficult question to answer.

Ok, so I’m not saying that you should body slam little Joey at the family picnic to get his place in line for the last bologna sandwich. I know that special circumstances in life such as caring for an young infant, or a spouse suffering from illness, can and most likely will occupy more of your time. The danger I’m speaking of occurs when, as a pattern of living, you consistently put yourself last regardless of circumstances. When it becomes so ingrained in your personality that you never dare to voice an opinion on where to go out to eat because you want to make sure that everybody else gets what they want, all of the time.

Everyone is Shortchanged

You have wants, needs, and desires that no matter how hard you might try to ignore will never go away. When your life’s focus is predominantly on others and away from yourself, you will begin to neglect your own desires to either make or keep others around you happy. If this continues, you will eventually wind up resenting yourself, the people you seek to make happy, or both.

Because not enough attention is paid to self, personal growth stops, and you start becoming less instead of more. Life is dynamic, not static. As you become more resentful and have less to offer you may even wind up being less pleasant to be around. Everyone is shortchanged, including those you are seeking to please.

The Solution

There is nothing wrong with a life of service. Simply bear in mind that to lift up others you must maintain your strength. You do that by tending to your own needs and taking excellent care of yourself. You add value to others and the world around you in proportion to the extent that you are a well rounded, self actualizing human being. You will experience the greatest joys of giving when you give from your abundance, not from your lack. So take care of yourself, tend to your needs, and purpose to live out your dreams!

It is from this state of what some would call selfishness that you are best suited to be truly selfless. There is nothing selfish about striving towards your highest potential, enjoying life more, and in the process sharing the best of who you are from an authentic perspective of happiness, inspiration, and love.

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The other day I went up to the highest mountaintop to visit my favorite guru. Living in Florida that didn’t take too long, as our tallest mountain in the state would barely gain notoriety as a speed bump in Texas. Heck, you can ride halfway up an elevator in New York City and be higher above sea level than my favorite local guru ever gets. Well anyway, after ascending to the peak and dropping some cash in his hat (most gurus aren’t free you know), he proceeded to dispense the following nuggets of wisdom:

What you resist, persists
Don’t struggle against the tide
Fully embrace the moment
Wax on, Wax off

Having offered such revelation, the guru appeared quite pleased with himself and trotted off towards his cave. Yes, there was a cave on top of the mountain here in Florida…work with me a little. Anyway, off he went, and pretty quickly too. This guru didn’t even have a beard or a cane, just a number 8 t-shirt and a billy club.

Not completely satisfied I’d gotten my monies worth, I stopped him dead in his tracks. “Wait a minute”, I said. “I’ve seen ‘The Secret’, cant stand Alabama football, have already read Eckhart Tolle, and I must have watched ‘The Karate Kid’ several times growing up. I came all the way up here with my bottle collecting money just to hear you recite a bunch of tired old quotes?”

Suddenly, his eyes lit up with a sparkle. You would have thought I’d just offered him a ride to the Burning Man festival on a magic carpet - mood altering substances included. He stops and stares me down. “Words are meaningless!” he says. “Understanding is everything.  What do these words really mean to you?”

Put on the spot, I began to spout off all the latest mumbo jumbo I could remember from one of the positive thinking books I had been reading and some of the new age movies I had recently seen. Unfortunately, Mr. Guru wasn’t impressed. I began to sweat. Did I come all the way up here just to get told off and be made a fool of?  Hell no!  I was mad, and I was going to let him know about it.

But then something happened… I remembered something from all of those self help books and their advice on maintaining a positive state and not letting the ego take over. Darn, I was messing things up and of course I of all people should know better. I began to criticize myself inside my head for having messed up, and then congratulated myself for recognizing the error and taking appropriate action. It was actually quite a conversation. I thought I was having it to myself, yet Mr. Guru was watching me the whole time and had this to say immediately afterward:

“You fool, you have just proven that you haven’t understood a single thing! All those self help books have been wasted upon you. Better they were used as kindling for a homeless man’s fire pit!”

As I nervously looked on, he began to explain. “You may think you know a little about enlightenment, yet your actions speak otherwise. Lets take a look at that list again:

What you resists, persists.
Fully embrace the moment
Don’t struggle against the tide
Wax on, Wax off

“My words to you are as applicable inside your mind as they are in the outside world. All except the last quote, of course. I just threw that one in to see if you were listening.”

“If you are angry, do not seek to deny it, but rather acknowledge your emotion of anger as part of what is. Your anger is real in the moment, and only through acceptance and acknowledgment can you discover what it was that brought on the emotion in the first place. From there you are free to choose your response. Yet you subverted your anger and then became angry at yourself for being angry in the first place. Judgment. You completely lost touch with the moment and whatever it may have had in store for you. You threw good after bad. Finally your ego took over and told you how wonderful you were for ‘understanding how the process works’ and getting your mind back on track. You were so lost in your thoughts I could have tied your shoes together and pushed you over the mountainside and you never would have noticed.”

Next, he said: “That brings me to my points about embracing the present moment and not struggling against the tide. Don’t ever think that things have to be a certain way in life. They don’t. However they are, they just are. You can never change the past by your actions in the present. Similarly, you can never undo your emotional responses by your internal criticisms of them. Whatever emotion you feel, acknowledge it fully and listen to what it is trying to tell you. If it is laughter you feel, then laugh. If it is gratitude you are overcome with, don’t wait until it is time to meditate or pray to show your appreciation. Life is not so much about understanding as it is about being. Remain present in your internal dialog and cease to place judgment upon it or to deny what is. Embrace your thoughts, overcome them if necessary, learn from them and enjoy them, for they are real and now is all there is.”

The guru, satisfied with his response to me, asked me if I had any more questions. I told him that I did indeed have one more.

“Go ahead my son, ask away”, he said.

So I asked him: “What… is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow (sans coconuts)?”

He pondered this for a moment.

While he was lost in thought I tied his shoes together and pushed him down the hill.

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I saw an interesting show on PBS last night. The title was “Prescription” by Deepak Chopra, and his topic of discussion was happiness. I found it highly interesting and want to share some of the things he discussed.

Deepak starts with framing the traditional method of thinking that is so ineffective and yet so highly integrated in Western society; the mindset of conditional happiness. “I’ll be happy when” and “I’ll be happy if” are the two most common ways that we deceive ourselves.

How often have we said things to ourselves like I’ll be happy “when I get that job”, happy “when I meet that special person”, or I’ll be happy “when I change careers”? Sometimes we even tell ourselves things like I’ll be happy “if I am healthy”, or “if I have better relationships” etc.

Deepak makes the simple yet profound suggestion that we turn this relationship between conditions and happiness around as if looking at the equation in a mirror. Starting from a position of happiness as your default state is much more likely to provide you with the conditions you are seeking, as opposed to waiting upon those conditions to occur so that you can choose to be happy. If you choose happiness first, you are more likely to be healthier, more likely to have better relationships, and more likely to have a successful career.

He then goes on to explain that there are 3 things that determine our overall happiness:

Our Biological Set Point

This is the default way that we perceive the world around us. Deepak explains that there is some basis in genetics here, but that we can change our “set point” via meditation or cognitive therapy. Neuro-Linguisitc Programming (NLP) is also very helpful in this area, specifically within the context of reframing negative and/or limiting beliefs, and helping one to explore and potentially change one of their maps of reality.

Our Life Situation

The studies he cites indicate that this is a relatively minor factor in a person’s overall happiness, saying that only about “8-15%” of our overall happiness level is dependant on this. People who dispose themselves to the notion of being happy will be happy, while those who place conditions upon happiness will typically always have some sort of outstanding condition that remains unfulfilled.

Our Voluntary Actions

The choices we make are the biggest determinants in our overall level of happiness. Broken down within our choices are the ones that give us pleasure and the ones that provide us with a sense of fulfillment.

Pleasurable choices are things we choose to do that cause us to experience feelings of happiness, such as eating food, listening to music, having sex, drinking wine, etc. All of these are rather self explanatory.

Fulfillment choices are the things we choose to do that provide us with a sense of accomplishment and contribution to the world around us. They encompass how we express our creativity in ways that benefit and bring happiness to ourselves and society as a whole. Deepak notes that as spiritual beings (regardless or religion), the best way to experience fulfillment is by making choices and doing things that make others happy.

He then goes on to explain that happiness and enlightenment are not one and the same. You can experience happiness without enlightenment, you will probably experience some level of unhappiness and frustration during your search for enlightenment (should you choose that path), and that you experience the greatest level of happiness upon attaining an enlightened state. I will be writing more about this in subsequent postings.

For those of you who have TIVO or a DVR and haven’t seen this program, I definitely think it’s worth checking out.

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Most people have a rather strong opinion about this. Do you believe that it is ever OK to quit? Or were you taught growing up that “winners never quit” and that to do so is a sign of weakness? As you read this right now, you can probably recall a time in your past when you were faced with such a decision. What did you do and how did it work out? It may even be that you are faced with such a decision in your life right now.

Many people struggle over the question of quitting or moving forward at various points in their lives in issues ranging from relationships, career choices, hobbies, to membership in religious organizations, social clubs, etc. Often times making the decision to quit or continue on can become so clouded with emotion and prior conditioning that we fail to objectively consider the choice based upon our goals, priorities, and values as they currently exist. Of course, to do so you need to be aware of what your goals, priorities, and values currently are to be able to consider them, and most people don’t normally keep track of them over time to notice weather they have changed along with them as they have evolved. Pursuing outdated goals or trying to live to outdated values that seem incongruent can be a rather pointless and frustrating endeavor. Yet turning your back on a worthwhile pursuit because you are weary, worn out, frustrated, or temporarily defeated is equally unlikely to make you happy. Indeed, giving up on something and later realizing how close you were to success can be quite demoralizing and leave you kicking yourself for having done so.

So, the next time you are faced with a decision to quit or push on, here are some helpful questions to consider. They are by no means exhaustive, yet thinking about them can start the process of objectively considering weather on not to keep on doing what you’re doing.

Questions to ask Yourself:

1. Is my current course of action likely to bring me the outcome I desire, regardless of weather the journey is currently pleasant or enjoyable?

2. Am I still interested in obtaining the original outcome?

3. Should I modify my desired end result in any way?

2. Is it the only the end result I’m seeking, or is the journey equally important?

4. Am I frustrated and seeking to quit only because I like things easy and they’ve now become difficult?

5. Do I need to consider another approach to achieve the same outcome?

6. How have my values changed since I undertook this objective or made this commitment?

7. Am I just being lazy?

8. Is my desire to (quit/continue on) primarily to make someone else happy?

9. Whose idea was this anyway? Is it my goal I’m pursuing?

Questions not to ask yourself:

1. What will my (friends, parents, neighbors, etc) think if I quit now?

2. What will people think of me if I try my best but still end up failing?

3. Why can’t I just be more like ______?

When you need to stick it out

If you’ve determined that the outcome in mind is your own, is consistent with your values, and you are pursuing it because you genuinely desire the end result you are most likely on the right track. You may currently lack sufficient direction and have discovered that there are resources you need to acquire - you might even doubt yourself a little bit. But because this is something you really want, giving up is most likely going to make you feel much worse. There’s nothing wrong with stepping back and reevaluating, then making a concentrated effort when you’ve regrouped and are ready to go full speed again. If fact, it can serve to invigorate you and send you off again with fresh motivation and perspective.

When to consider moving on

There can be a lot of guilt associated with giving up on something that you put a lot of time and effort into. Society may look down on you. People may talk about you. You may even put yourself down for being a quitter. If however, you’ve identified that the outcome you’ve been pursuing doesn’t mesh with your values, is not taking you where you want to go, or worse yet is taking you further away, then it may be time to consider quitting and moving on. Yes, I said the “q” word. Sometimes it is OK to quit.

You may find that there are crossroads in your life when you begin to realize that your values have changed, your priorities have changed, and you are not the person you once were 5 or 10 years ago. You have evolved. If your goals and pursuits have not taken that same journey with you, it may be time to put them aside for ones that better serve you.

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Does life ever seem too hectic? Like there’s time for everything except for enjoying yourself and doing the things you’d like to get done?

Regardless of your individual circumstance, be it rich or poor, single or married, parent or childless, you have choices available to you in each moment that determine how much enjoyment you get out of your life. The great news is that the choices are up to you and no one else. Your life is experienced and eventually defined by whatever you happen to be doing in each given moment. Sure, some people are more fortunate than others in what options they have available to them, but in each and every moment of our lives we get choose what meaning we assign to our experiences and how we choose to feel about them. You really do Create your Destiny. As you go through your day, consider how the following suggestions could help you live a simpler, more contented life:

Prioritize. Figure out whats most important to you and begin to live you life accordingly. What people? What personal goals? Career goals? If we’re not careful we can end up spending way too much time on non-essential busy work and neglecting the things we feel are most important. Refuse to get caught up in the minutia. Begin to let the petty but urgent stuff fall by the wayside in favor of the longer term things that will bring you the type of life you really love.

De-commit. You really can’t do it all if you jam your day full of commitments, so why set yourself up for failure? Diligently examine each task you undertake to see if it is something that serves your life purpose, is absolutely necessary, or brings you some level of happiness. If you are someone who feels as though lots of people depend upon you and therefore in many cases you couldn’t possibly say no, I’ve got news for you. If you died tomorrow the world would somehow manage to go on without you. Really it would. It’d be one heck of a funeral though, and if you were there to see it you’d be mighty impressed. Seriously, I’m not talking about abandoning your commitments, but rather examining each one and determining where they fit in terms of your priorities. Do what is necessary to live according to your values and then start paring away at the rest.

Slow things Down. I know you’d love to but you just can’t, really I do. But if you really can’t, then who is really in charge of your life? That can be the subject of another post entirely, but the bottom line is that you have more choices than you think. My suggestions: eat slower, drive slower, and be present in whatever it is that you are doing. If you stop the constant rush to get on to the next task or the item on your must do list, you may begin to realize that life is ALWAYS experienced right now, in each moment, during whatever it is that you happen to be doing. Right now is always all there is. Stop trading now for later, be present, and explore what there is to appreciate in each moment. There might not be much, but it sure beats grumbling and complaining (usually).

Carve out Some Alone Time. Spend time alone with your thoughts in quiet and stillness. Listen to yourself. What is your body telling you? What are your dominant thoughts? Get to know yourself and discover what it is that truly makes you happy. Meditation is a great way to experience this if you haven’t tried yet. If you haven’t, don’t knock it until you do.

Reward Yourself. Take a moment or two each day and reward yourself for the efforts you’ve made to take control of your life. A dessert, A mental pat on the back, a cold beer or a hot cup of tea. Whatever works best for you – you’ll know what it is. Take the time to enjoy yourself and show yourself some appreciation for the great job that you do being you.

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