Think of it as a dance. Two dancers gliding across the floor, moving in harmony, becoming one with the music and one with each other…flowing together effortlessly. The song ends and gently one leads the other over to an empty table nestled in a relatively quiet and picturesque corner of the club and orders a round of drinks. Their partner follows willingly. They sit down and enjoy a special moment together.
What you just read a very simple metaphor on the NLP concepts of pacing and leading. As I discussed in my previous post Building Rapport through NLP, rapport can be a natural outcome of pacing behaviors and/or beliefs. Flowing together on the dance floor, the two dancers paced each other in movement, rhythm, and emotional state. Rapport being firmly established, one dancer gently took the lead and inclined the other to follow. Not having any reason to object and trusting the others intentions, the second person happily followed along.
Want to learn to effectively lead others? Here are some keys things to consider:
You absolutely must build rapport first
That is, unless you are some tyrannical boss and you can fire people at will for not doing whatever you say. If that’s you, you can pretty much lead however you choose and still be effective in the short term. Also, if you’re the type of man or woman who has more tats and priors (tattoos and arrests) than teeth, you probably aren’t interested in the finer nuances of rapport building either. All others please read on. 
Leading can really quite simple when solid rapport is established first. Trying to lead without first establishing rapport has a much lower chance of success. Imagine what might have happened if instead of mingling together on the dance floor, one person walked into the club as a complete stranger and attempted to influence the other over to that same empty table without uttering a word. OK, it might work in some Humphrey Bogart or James Dean movie, but you get the point. If you want to lead someone, you have to get in step with them first. Meet them where they’re at. Acknowledging the present is a vital step in the process and enhances commonality. Your initial goal is to convince them you’re an OK guy or gal. Do that and the rest of the process gets much easier.
Learn how to pace effectively
The basic concept of leading is that you pace to build rapport, and then once you feel that rapport has been achieved, you test to see if leading the other person into a new behavior is possible. Remember you can pace and attempt to lead physical movements, speaking patterns, emotional states, values and beliefs, or any number of things. Logically, the process goes something like this, regardless of the type of behavior you are pacing:
Pace Pace Pace Pace (do exactly as they do)
Pace Pace Pace Lead (stay familiar, but gently incline the person towards the new behavior)
Pace Pace Lead Lead (continue the transition)
Pace Lead Lead Lead (take them towards where you want them to go)
For example, if you are pacing physical movements, after you have gotten “in sync” with someone for a few minutes, try breaking the pattern and doing something different like scratching your nose or tugging at your ear. See if they respond in kind. If they do, you have progressed from pacing to leading.
Act in the other’s best interest
This is not an article on how to manipulate people for selfish means. While people can be inclined to be lead and certain NLP techniques do in fact make leading easier, most people are not lemmings and will not blindly follow you to their detriment (followers of Jim Jones and Heaven’s Gate excluded). Most people have an inner “BS” detector that will fire off once they sense you trying to be selfishly manipulative. On the other hand, There is a good reason why true leaders are often in positions of power and influence…people like to follow a strong leader whom they are confident in. People like and respect people with confidence and vision, and will generally incline themselves to follow those who act with strong beliefs and a sense of integrity that matches their own. For situations large and small in which you can stay within your own sense of integrity and provide a benefit to others, mastering the art of leading can be an incredibly rewarding experience, both for yourself and for those you wish to lead.
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