A big reason why many of us can’t seem to change our behavior and move in the direction of the things we want is fear. Understanding this is easy, yet simply knowing that fear is holding us back usually isn’t enough to produce the types of changes necessary for us to take action towards our desires. Why not? It’s because when we are in a fearful state of mind, it’s almost always easier to do nothing, and therefore risk nothing compared to remaining in our current unhappy state. Hence, even if we are unhappy living with whatever it is that we’d like to change, we reason that we can at least bear to continue dealing with it for one more day, and that sort of thinking is usually more comfortable in the moment of choice than embarking on a new and unknown course of action.
Overcome Fear Through Leverage:
The key to overcoming fear and making constructive change is a concept called leverage. The idea has its roots in Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) and is based upon the fact that we as humans will typically do much more to avoid pain than to gain pleasure. We place a higher value on avoiding painful situations than we do on taking potentially positive actions into unknown and “risky” areas.
This fear of change is a basic concept of self preservation that has been hard wired into our neurology for millions of years. The way to initiate desired changes in our lives is not to fight against our neurology but rather to work with it to help us to accomplish the things we desire. The best way to demonstrate this concept is by using an example:
Suppose for a moment that you are in a job or relationship that you don’t like and that you no longer feel does serves your life purpose. Imagine that you have felt this way for quite some time now but have been hesitant to make a change. Why? Because at each moment of choice (and every moment is actually a moment of choice), it always seems safer and easier to continue doing what you have been doing than it is to take a chance and change course. If it’s a job that we’re speaking of and it pays the bills, it is always easier to get up one more morning and go to work unfulfilled than it is to make that potentially painful decision to break with the known and venture off into uncertainty. If it’s an unhealthy or destructive relationship, we sometimes tell ourselves that its better to have somebody than not, or that maybe that someday they will change. You may not like the known, but at least you perceive yourself to be “safe” there. You will not go hungry and you will still have a place to live. Each time you consider making a change, there is typically much more pain associated with the new course of action as compared to continuing to do whatever it is that leaves you unfulfilled, because the currently course of action almost always seems safer when viewed in terms of what will cause the least amount of pain in the present moment.
Reverse The Process:
The key to turning this around and taking control of your life is to associate more pain and discomfort to staying in the current situation than there is with taking the new, desired course of action. Your neurology is used to taking steps to avoid pain, so why fight it? It’s simply a matter of putting the discomfort of pain in the place best suited to meet your needs. At the moment of choice and considering only that moment, it is always going to be safer to do nothing. After all, it always has been.
The next time you are faced with such a situation, ask yourself: “What is my life likely to look like in one year if I don’t make this change? In 5 years? In 10 or even 20? Picture yourself being in that unfulfilling job or relationship for the next twenty years and imagine what that would do to you mentally, physically, and emotionally. Do you like what you see? Does the vision of what you might become excite you? Would you be the kind of positive influence that you would want your children, co-workers, and friends to aspire to? If the answer is no, it is important to keep hold of that feeling. Fully engage yourself in how much you are turned off by your future by staying put. Become emotional about it if you have to, and dwell on it for only as long as is necessary, but definitely long enough to get a strong, gut level feeling of how uncomfortable staying put will make you feel and what it will do to you in the long run.
The Tipping Point:
When you have done the above exercise (and you may have to do it several times to reach your emotional threshold) there will come a tipping point where you begin to associate more pain to staying put in your current situation than in making a change to the new course of action, and as soon as this occurs, you will begin to move towards your desired outcome. Maybe only small steps at first, but you will begin to act. It is the law of self preservation at work, only this time it’s working in your favor. In this manner, you are no longer struggling against your neurology, but through an understanding of how your brain is wired, you are using it to achieve constructive change in your life.
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